This always comes up at this time of year because Christmas, the dominant winter holiday, is quickly approaching. The memes have even started flying between what is Pagan and christian symbolism. People I work with start getting frazzled about how to deal with their christian family members since they are not of that belief system. The worst though is this false sense of competition between all the different winter holidays (because it isn’t just Yule and Christmas).
In Western culture Christmas is the dominant winter holiday. Recognized by governments as a national holiday that most things get shut down for. Most of the music being played everywhere is Christmas themed. Decorations and even the common greeting is “Merry Christmas.”
For everyone who does not align with that particular version of the holiday, it can be frustrating. I even find myself irritated from time to time, but I generally decide to take a different approach that helps…
Social Holidays
First, I think it helps to gain some perspective between Sacred days and social holidays.
I have days that are sacred to me – Winter Solstice, Summer Solstice, the equinoxes and cross-quarter days. These times are what holds spiritual meanings to me. They mark a transition point between one season of time and another. Sacred days connect us and focus on our personal spiritual path and beliefs systems.
Then there are Social Holidays. The ones that have been commercialized and have lost their sacredness, at least in my perspective. Christmas is probably the most glaring example of this. People stressing about money and the focus always being on gift giving. Trying to find a balance, and even sacrificing basic needs in order to ensure their kids wake up to presents under a tree. The symbolism is about aesthetics, and not the meaning behind the symbol itself.
Social Holidays are also about friends and family gathering and celebrating together. The focus being on the people, and less on the Holiday meaning. This is where I tend to fall. It is an opportunity for us to come together, eat good food, play games, listen to music, tell stories, and take a breath to catch up on each others lives. The aesthetic is the holiday – the reasoning though is connecting and being with those we care about.
Respect
My husband and I are the only non-christians in our families and we have been this way since we were children/ teenagers. We never hid this fact from them but we also approached all of this from a place of respect.
I still attended Catholic school even with everyone (including the nuns and priests at my school) knew I did not believe in their ways. Every time a family member passed, there was a Catholic mass for them. Every Sunday and Holiday I attended mass with my mother. I did not attend these things with malice or irritation, but I approached it with respect.
I could appreciate the rhythm and flow of the mass – seeing the magic weaved into it even though they would never call it that. I could appreciate the old world architecture, beautiful representations of stories in the stained glass, and even the smell of the incense. They represented one thing for the christians, but another for myself. I wasn’t interested in changing them or trying to convert them, I just wanted the freedom to follow my own, so it wasn’t hard for me to hold respect in those spaces and times.
I think the embarrassing part for my mother was that I no longer took communion. For a Catholic this was a big deal. A way to commune and become one with their god. I could silently say my own prayers while they said theirs – I could allow my mind to wonder to my own path while they talked about theirs – but I could not take part in that. It never went unnoticed that I didn’t, but I have to give my mother props here – she never once said anything to me about it. I was doing my part and she was doing hers in trying to balance some mutual respect.
The rest of my mother’s family was a whole other story. When I was young and they preached their conversation tactics at me I would find myself lashing back. It never did anything though. Neither side gave at all, and all it did was create tensions. That was one of my first lessons – I can not change anyone else, but I could control my own reactions and responses. Sometimes, wisdom is knowing when to walk away – not out of defeat but because the fight will never go anywhere and is a waste of my time and energy.
Just because I give respect on my end, does not mean I will receive it back. This is often the case in my experience with christians. I will not allow myself to be preached at – but I am always up for a good healthy debate. I will speak and share my spirituality – but not in a way where I am trying to convince another of it.
Respect isn’t about being the same – it is about knowing we do not align, that we do not share the same perspective, but we each have the right to hold our own. Even if the other person does not hold it, I do, and at the end of the day that is what really matters to me because this is my life.
Common Ground
The majority of my own family has all passed on now, so it is mostly dealing with my husband’s family, especially my mother-in-law. She is like most chirstians I have known – She grew up in a Baptist family, talks about her religious beliefs often, and does acts of service to buy her a place in heaven. She knows what the preacher said but rarely, if ever, goes deeper to really understand the religion itself. She says christmas is about the birth of Jesus, but you rarely see the focus or conversation turn that direction unless someone says something different about it. The focus is on food, decorations, and family coming together – and there is common ground here.
It can be difficult at times because my children are also not christians – they are also not any other religion. I encourage them to explore everything and then when they are older they can decide on what they believe based on their experience, not just following because it is what the family did. Right now they are teenagers, with all the regular teenage angst. They are more like their father right now, science based, which is good. When grandma gets going on Jesus though, it is sometimes hard for them to not challenge her beliefs. I realize respect is a practiced skill, so we talk about it often – ways to respect her beliefs and allowing her to hold them, just as they hold their own opinions.
Find the common ground we can stand on together.
For me, this is a time of turning – Winter Solstice is my New Moon for the sun’s time keeping. It is a time of hope, possibilities, new adventures and beginnings. For my mother-in-law, all those things hold true as well – so we find spiritual common ground to stand on together and celebrate those aspects.
For my husband and children, this is a time of family and friends gathering together. A festival of lights, food, and sharing stories. There is no spiritual component for them, yet we can all stand together in the common ground that we do share.
Strength and Compassion
We live in a society that seems eager to fight, to stir the pot, but most of all to be heard. I think the latter is the reason behind the others. We are taught that “holding our tongue” is an act of submission, not respect. It isn’t about not speaking, it is about the way we choose to speak. Are we speaking in a way for both sides to find some common ground, or are we speaking in a way to dominate or belittle the other person?
Our society implies that walking away from a fight is a sign of weakness, not strength. It is not hard to start a fight. It is not hard to carry on, yell, and try to dominate another person. Yes, it takes strength to fight, but physical strength is what is at the forefront here. Strength of mind and heart is the ability to realize that the other person is not in a place to see beyond their own perspectives, so no amount of arguing is going to change or impact them. This is where we need to just walk away or drop that conversation.
I have often wondered why christians seem to be the only one who takes the deep role of trying to convert everyone. The answer though is simple – it is what they have been taught their whole lives. When you ask most christians what their religion is, they say “My family is…” It is because their faith stems from an upbringing in the church. They adopt the beliefs of their family. One thing that is preached often in every type of christian church is that christians are better than anyone else, in the sense of being god’s people, god’s chosen, and thus charged with showing others “the light.” They see it as a duty to “save” others because it is what has been drilled into them. This is not all christians, or even clergy, but it is the most prominent view.
We Can Do Better
We, as pagans, animists, spiritualist, etc can do better. We can choose not to waste our time and energy engaging in an endless battle. If a person is not open to other perspectives, or in trying to see the common ground we share, then no amount of arguing or fighting is going to change that. You can speak your piece, but beyond that, everything else is wasted breath.
During holidays we are faced with many christian ideals and people. It really doesn’t matter if we are talking christmas, Halloween, thanksgiving, easter, etc. – the mix of various religions are there because it is not about just one perspective. These points in time hold meaning deeper then the religion that built traditions on top of them. Yet they all still hold the core energies before organized religion co-opted them and placed their own meanings on-top of them.
Perhaps a key to finding harmony in these times, when gathered together, is to focus on that core energy and not the symbolism placed on-top. Even if the other party can not see it, we can. Even if they can not hold space for us, that doesn’t mean we can not hold respect for them. I realize that is a hard concept and not all will get it. I am old though, and with age comes a different kind of wisdom. I am also deeply connected to my own path and spirituality which has taught me many of these lessons. Nothing anyone says or does is going to shake that for me because it comes from a place of experiencing my Deities and spiritual connections. An outside person can not touch that or take it from me, so I do not have a need to fight for it in that way. What I do fight for is the right for everyone to hold their own, without being harmed for it.
When it comes to christmas, that is a social holiday for me and holds no sacred meaning – my sacred day is Winter Solstice. I hold respect and space for my mother-in-law and husband’s family, for their right to believe and hold that day as sacred to them.
As they celebrate their religion, I celebrate our family as a whole.
As they say their prayers, I say my own.
When two opposite forces are colliding, instead of allowing the differences to divide us, we can go deeper and find the core energy, the common ground, that helps us create an alliance of harmony.
Not all will be willing – Not all will return the effort or the respect – but at the end of the day it isn’t about them. How we react, how we move in that space is a reflection of who we are and what we believe. It is about the energy I am feeding myself and growing within myself.
Parting Words
I realize that many have deep trauma from the church, and have had horrific things happen to them because of that. I am not one of them though so I can not speak for them. I have experienced a lot of badness, but nothing I would consider trauma. For those people, I can not say this would be the right approach for you. Even after the trauma is healed, the people who inflicted it might be the same people I am talking about in this article.
What I would encourage is to find a way to see the core energies you do share with others during holiday times. Not to be in spaces with them, but as a way to move on from the pain the religion itself caused. To be able to be within a society bombarding you with christmas – and see ways to celebrate and bring your own touch of spirituality to it for yourself. So instead of being reminded of the religion that hurt you, you can take joy in the season itself.
Like most things, it is a balancing act. A give and take. We do not have to settle or diminish our own beliefs for the sake of others – but we can create space for all of us.
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